• None of these are in order except for this one. #1 PLEASE!!! If you feel something is off, do not give up until every test/exam/etc. is done — trust your intuition! No one else can know your body better than you.
  • Do what makes you happy. Every. Damn. Day. Even if it’s simple or seems pointless, if it makes you happy then make sure to do it as often as you can.
  • A ton of shit does not matter. Seriously, pick and choose your battles and what you waste your time/energy/anger/frustrations on because I guarantee you most of it won’t…


Below is an excerpt from my book — a mostly true story about my days as a strip club bartender in Austin, Texas where I mostly broke shit, drank a ton of booze, sometimes poured drinks, and always hit on my favorite manager.

We were passing around my handy dandy breathalyzer and comparing blood alcohol levels when the valet guy strolled in early for his shift.

Valet guys came and went just as much, if not more often, than the girls.

I wasn’t sure of his name but it hadn’t been long enough for me to attempt to remember or…


I’m originally from North Carolina and back when I was in high school, my boyfriend had told me that the squirrels in Michigan were black. He knew this because his dad was from Michigan and he’d been there to visit family and apparently saw some black squirrels.

In my sixteen-year-old mind, I’m like “Holy shit. A squirrel, but like a black f-ing stallion.” I don’t even know why it was such a big deal to me. I guess just cause I’d only ever seen brown squirrels.

It was like the time I told my friend Kyle about the existence of…


Chester The Molester

The next weekend, the club was blessed with another new manager. I placed a bet with Thomas on how long he would last. Thomas said he couldn’t give an approximate guess until he met the guy.

I, however, gave him two weeks tops.

“Wow!” Chester, the new manager said to me shortly after Thomas introduced us before retreating to sweep the parking lot.

Chester was incredibly overweight and a mouth breather, I quickly discovered.

“You’re really something!” He creepily looked me up and down and lingered his gaze on my boobs for a moment.


Photo courtesy of Canva

“Eighteen! I win suckaaaa!”

“Damn! I thought my sixteen from yesterday would be the new record for longer than a day! This has been a hell of a weekend,” Lupita said. Her chin-length black hair bounced as she popped back up from a VIP booth in the fornication area at work.

She looked disappointed, but she shouldn’t be. She should know by now I’m Sherlock friggin’ Holmes.


“Forest.”

I put my index finger in front of my lips and shushed Thomas as I briefly held the phone away from my mouth and informed him that this was an important call.


Hold up, did you miss Part 1? You can read it here.


Below is an excerpt from my book — a mostly true story about my days as a strip club bartender in Austin, Texas where I mostly broke shit, drank a ton of booze, sometimes poured drinks, and always hit on my favorite manager.

Big Daddy Q AKA Big Daddy Douche

I woke up in a panic and quickly realized my car was not going to start today.

Luckily Thomas lived right down the street and agreed to come to pick me up for work.

I also secretly hoped this helped him realize how easy it would be for us to be lovers. Austin is a big city…


“Good morning my degenerate employees and thank you for getting up before four o’clock in the afternoon to attend this ever so important meeting.

On this glorious day, I will not be lecturing you about the shifts you don’t show up for, the abomination of a mess that night shift leaves, or the ongoing investigation on who flushed a pocket knife down the toilet — resulting in a very expensive plumbing bill.

Instead, I would like to try a different approach and highlight a model employee who you all should take notes from.

This will be our first ever “employee…


Up until the age of twenty-three, my cooking skills, and subsequently diet, was limited to smoothies, runny egg sandwiches, and Bagel Bites (they really did a disservice to themselves and society by not naming them Pizza Bagels or even Petite Pizzas).

When I first decided to learn how to cook, I went with the least destructive method possible — a crockpot. And I’m not gonna lie, it’s probably in the best interest and safety of myself and others around me that I should cook in a crockpot at all possible times.

But at some point you gotta get out of…

Ellie Blake

Welcome to my shit show.

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